Falling in Love...

... with COLORADO!

OK, I know some of you were thinking... "FINALLY!" Well, even though it's not a guy (yet! I'm still praying & waiting!), it IS wonderful to be "falling in love" with the place you live in!

About a month ago, after a year and a half of living in Durango, I finally started getting out & taking advantage of some of the incredible things there are to do around here! My family was in town, and we went rafting, fishing & just generally enjoying being outside in such a gorgeous playground. During that time, I came to the realization that although I've been here for a year and a half, I've spent almost all of my time working & building up my business, and not getting out & having FUN! So I decided it was high time to get outside!

I've always liked to hike, and even though I've never really hiked in the mountains before, I asked a friend for some suggestions on favorite spots. He had previously used the phrase "hide in the mountains", and that picture just stuck in my head and wouldn't go away! I was so exhausted from several weeks of too much work and not enough sleep, and thought of HIDING in the mountains sounded wonderful... just what the Doctor ordered! So my friend gave me a few suggestions on hikes that would not only give me a challenge & the reward of great views, but that would also give me the solitude, peace & quiet that I was so desperately craving.

I went out that very next weekend on my first two Colorado hikes (ever!)... It wasn't long or challenging, but it did provide me with the solitude & peace that I was looking for! In fact, on the 2nd one, when it was time to leave (to get back to town to meet up with someone), it took me TWENTY MINUTES to will my legs to move! There wasn't another soul out there besides me & my dog, and the quiet of that place just sank deep into me, and I wished so much that I could just stay there forever (or at least longer than an hour!).

The next weekend I did a much longer and much more challenging hike (11 miles, 3000ft elevation gain!), and was rewarded with some of the most beautiful views I've ever seen!

Then the next weekend, I did another hike in a different location (7.5 miles, 1700ft elevation gain), and I thought the previous week's hike couldn't be topped... but it was MORE breathtaking! Can you imagine???

This weekend, I'm heading out yet again to challenge myself on a 10-mile hike that promises gorgeous views, lakes, and crossing the Continental Divide a couple times!

You know how when you're dating someone, and you want to spend all of your time with that person, getting to know everything about him or her? And you can't stop telling everyone about that wonderful person that has captured your heart? Well, that's how I feel about getting out into the mountains! I want to be there as often and as long as possible! I want to get to know them from all different perspectives, and just sit and enjoy "being with" them.

You know what's really happening, don't you?

I'm getting to know my Heavenly Bridegroom in a much deeper way, and falling more deeply in love with Him!

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Yes, I'm still here!

Wow, it's been a reeeeally long time since I've posted anything here!

Part of it is due to just being crazy busy for the last few months, and part has been that there has been so much to process internally that I haven't been brave enough to write about here. I don't know that I'll write too much about it now, but at least I can get caught up a bit!

In many ways, life is really good. I grow to love Durango more and more every day! Even though I grew up in a large city, I never loved it. I was always longing to have lots of space around me. And I always felt a need to connect to the earth... not in a political, environmental activist way... but actually getting my hands in the dirt! Yeah, I'm a gardener... Actually, my family has teased me on occasion about being "the farmer in the family". And now that I live on acreage with a huge garden, a 20-tree orchard, and SIX dogs(!)... I think the "Farmgirl" label fits better than it ever has! In fact, I found a mug the other day with "Farmgirl" on it, and I just had to spend the $6.95 to get it! It now sits proudly on my kitchen counter.

There's also a part of me that has always loved the "wild west". I probably first was aware of it in my early teens when my family took a car vacation through the Rockies, and I felt the "romance" of the West. And now that I'm here, I long to "get lost" on hikes in the mountains, learn to fly fish, ride horses, finally learn to ski, learn to fiddle, learn to kayak, hike the Colorado Trail (6 weeks in the great outdoors!)... and the list goes on!

It dawned on me a couple weeks ago that I've been living here for a year & a half now, and I've been so busy trying to get my business off the ground that I haven't done any of the great stuff that there is to do here! Crazy! So I started by asking a friend for suggestions on day hikes that would get me to secluded areas near water, where I could just "BE". I went on one of those hikes this past weekend, and it took all of my willpower to make my legs carry me back down to my car when it was time to go. I didn't want to leave! The quiet was so beautiful that I didn't even want to open my mouth to speak to my dog. Yeah, I'll be going back there again... Actually, my goal is to go on at least one day hike each week through the summer. Can't wait to experience all of these places that my friends are telling me about!

Professionally, things are going basically well. The down side is that when you have your own business, typically normal setbacks can hit you pretty hard. I have had several financial setbacks in the last few months, and it's taking its toll on me. On the other hand, I am seeing some good growth in other areas. I've started a couple of new programs that are really taking off, and it's very exciting to watch them grow! It's also exhausting! People have told me that you'll work harder running your own business than you have ever worked before... and they're RIGHT! I believed those people "in theory", but now I know it as a fact of my everyday life!

This is why I need the day hikes... :-)

The other major thing that has been affected by my work schedule is the progress on my adoption (or I should say, lack of progress). It is still very definitely in my plans for the near future, but just not quite as "near" as I had originally hoped. I feel very strongly that I need to get my business really solid before I'm able to support a child - not only financially, but with my time and energy too. I just don't want to bring a child into a home where they have to be in daycare all day long, and then have an exhausted mommy who has no energy at the end of the day because she has to work morning til night to make ends meet.

Time to get some shuteye... thanks for catching up with me!

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Persevering...

That word more than describes my life over the last few weeks - months even.

On the up side, I'm finally completely out of the old house. No more mold & cold to envelop me 24/7! So happy to be out of there and settling into a house that "loves me back"! My dogs are even happier here at the new house. I think that our animals know when we are calm & settled, and it helps them to be more calm & settled too. Plus, they LOVE running like crazy out in their new fenced yard (a whole acre!).

I also moved my studio into the Smiley Building downtown, and had my first week of teaching there last week. Everybody - including yours truly! - LOVES it! It's a great space, with lots of sunlight, and it's SO convenient for everyone!

My Mom is here visiting for a couple of weeks, and we are having a great time just taking things easy. (It's Spring Break this week!)

So what do I have to persevere through?

I am in pain again. Both physically and emotionally.

PHYSICALLY... I have started to experience the beginnings of tendonitis again, for the first time in 15 years. This would be painful for anyone... but for a musician, it is especially painful because it affects our playing so much. Being intimately involved in the process of making music has been a part of my life for 33 of my almost 40 years. It is so much a part of my soul, sometimes like air to my lungs. And to be in such pain when I play, and to have it affect my sound and my intonation (ability to play in tune) quite negatively sometimes... well, it's truly painful in many ways. Back when I was in college & grad school, there were times when the pain was so intense that my teachers would require me to NOT play for a period of time - sometimes many weeks - and yet I still had to attend my classes, rehearsals, lessons, etc. Imagine being sidelined like that for weeks, and not being able to join in with the rest, not being able to do what you are there to do! That's what I'm afraid will happen again.

I have been going to a chiropractor for the last couple of months, and this is helping, and he has been giving me suggestions of how to deal with the pain. In some ways, it's like dealing with life in general. I want so much to prevent the pain from coming, but sometimes we can't do that. We have to learn how to manage the pain, persevering and learning to continue to live with grace through it.

EMOTIONALLY... I am about to turn 40. While many people would say that this is reason enough to be upset, I'm actually not dreading "The Big 4-0"! I have lived a lot of life in my almost 40 years - lots of wonderful experiences, but lots of trials as well. And I've learned a lot. I think that I have gained a lot of wisdom - sure, there's MUCH more to learn - and this may sound funny, but I've earned the right to be 40! :-) Do I ever wish that I were back in my 20's? Absolutely NOT! I made lots of stupid mistakes in my 20's... in my 30's too! I'm sure that I am not done making mistakes (who ever is?)... But I'm excited about continuing to grow and mature. And I do NOT want to go back and "be a kid again". In fact, I think it's more fun to be able to still be able to have those childlike moments (not childish) as we get older and hopefully more mature.

So what's troubling me?

The alone-ness.

Part of it is due to the fact that I'm still relatively new in this community. I only moved here a little over a year ago, and I know that it takes time to make friends and feel settled into a new life. And I do have a couple of friends that I really enjoy spending time with, and that I can "get deep" with. But we're still testing the waters with each other in a way, and I long to get to that point of freedom in friendship where you're no longer worried about what the other will think, but can just be free with each other.

And my even deeper longing... to have a HUSBAND, a PARTNER in life. I know many of you who are married are thinking something along the lines of "marriage isn't always all it's cracked up to be", or "a husband can't fill your needs like Jesus", or "you can't be free as a married woman like you can as a single woman", etc, etc, etc.

Well, I've been a "free, single woman" up to now, and it's not all it's cracked up to be either. God created us to have a mate, a partner, to be in pairs. He says "it is not good for a man to be alone"... guess what, that applies to women too! His Word says that "a woman's desire is for her husband"... that applies to the unmarried woman too!

All of those wonderful things that I mentioned above, plus many others in my life - the wonderful house, the awesome studio, my love of teaching my students, the physical & emotional pain of tendonitis, the fear of my dog (whom I have held since birth!) disappearing a couple of weeks ago and then the joy finding her again, the joy/anticipation/fear/etc of preparing to adopt - everything in life - I want to SHARE it with that one person who commits to be my partner "until death do us part". And I want to share HIS joys, struggles, successes, trials, failures, etc!

And since I'm not one to go to bars or anything like that, looking for "just anyone" who will do the job... And since I want a husband who loves the Lord... And since those men are much harder to find as one gets older...

I PERSEVERE.

I continue to pour my heart out to the Lord, sometimes with many tears, and wait expectantly for the day that He will hopefully grant my heart's desire.

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Catching up...

It's been several days since I've posted anything, but that's because I've finally moved to the new house!

I LOVE IT!!! It's SO nice to be able to be anywhere in the house - living room, kitchen, bedroom, laundry room, upstairs, downstairs - and be COMFORTABLE! In the other house, I pretty much spent all of my time - teaching time as well as personal time - in the two rooms on the 2nd floor. In other words, I was spending about 95% of my time in about 25% of the house, due to the extreme cold in the rest of the house. There's also really bad mold in the crawlspace and in the kitchen. That didn't help matters any.

That house was literally making me sick! I fought (and sometimes lost) against the "bug" that's been going around, and this past weekend, it turned into a bad sinus infection and I've had to cancel lessons all week. I was finally able to get in to see a doctor today, so now I have some good antibiotics & will hopefully be on the mend soon!

I also got some exciting news today... My Mom is coming to visit me next month! She'll be here for my 40th Birthday Celebration, and also for a concert I'll be playing in. She always asks, "When am I going to get to hear you play??" Well Mom, here's your chance! :-)

The latest on the adoption process...

I wrote last week about the brother & sister in Mexico City... I don't think that I am the one to be their mommy, BUT I do think that it was Providential that my student's mom told me about them, since I have friends & friends-of-friends who are looking to adopt. So I'll definitely be passing the word!

On a related subject, I have begun to "subtly worry" about where the money is going to come from for the adoption, and also if I will be able to bring my business to a point of being able to balance being a good mom with my work schedule. And then, just a few minutes ago, I read through my pastor's most recent blog post, and I am reminded that it's not MY job to do the whole thing! This was GOD's idea in the first place, and HE will bring it to pass! I have only to bring my little offering, keep close to Him, watching what He's doing & where/how He's working, and jump on board! Whew! What a relief!

"When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip, 'Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?' He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do. Philip answered him, 'It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!' Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, 'Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?' Jesus said, 'Have the people sit down.' There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there). Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish. When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, 'Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.' So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten."

(John 6:5-13)

Thanks for sharing in this journey with me!

Til next time...

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I Love Encouragement!

Just got this incredibly encouraging note from a dear friend that I've known for a looong time...

"...it sounds like the church you are at and your heart for adoption go hand in hand.

It's wonderful how God placed you there! I loved the article about being single and adopting.
If anyone can make that happen it would be you. You are so good with kids and given your personality I think you are perfectly gifted to handle all the juggling that goes with running a studio, homeschooling and the like. You would make a wonderful parent. I know that you would have a great support system in your church."

Thanks, my friend!!! You're an amazing example of a Godly woman who loves & supports her awesome husband, and who takes her responsibility seriously to raise children who love & honor God above all else! I will always remember our first "hanging out times" together, right after you became a believer, and how you have allowed God to mold & shape you into the image of His son. You're awesome! Can anyone say "Proverbs 31 Woman"?!?!  ;-)

Now, lest the rest of you think that I posted my friend's quote out of vanity or any kind of ego... May it never be! First, my love language is "words of affirmation", and my dear friend's words absolutely made my day! Second, I have this sneaking suspicion that I am going to need that kind of encouragement many times along the road to adoption, as well as after the adoption is finalized & I finally have my child(ren) home with me! Tell me moms, which of you wouldn't LOVE to read those kind of encouraging words every time you struggle in motherhood?!?

To all of you moms out there (especially MY mom!)... Keep up the great work! You have the most important & treasured of jobs in the world, and you are awesome!

Til next time...

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The 2nd Step... oh my goodness!

After submitting my application yesterday, I started printing out & reading all of the information on schedules, fees, etc. Whew!

I knew going into this that it would be quite an involved process, but it's another thing to actually read through all of the details one by one! And it's definitely humbling to add up the total cost & try to figure out where all of that money is going to come from! I'm so glad that this was God's idea in the first place, because that confirms that He'll be the One to provide EVERYthing that's needed along this journey...money, patience, debt-payoff, details of my business, etc, etc, etc!

"Do not fear, for I am with you
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God
I will strengthen you, Surely I will help you
Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

(Isaiah 41:10)

Being the planner that I am, I started thinking of what avenues I know of to come up with the moulah. Raise funds...have a garage sale...play a benefit recital (or 2 or 3?)...look for grants...take the tax credit.... Any other ideas??

Then there was another possible "curveball" thrown at me today... I was talking to the mom of one of my students today about Durango's Shared School program (her 7-yr-old son participates in it 2 days a week & is homeschooled the other 3 days). She asked me why I was asking, and when I told her that I've started the adoption process, she AND her son got excited & told me that I'd be a great mom! (I LOVE encouragement like that! But I digress...) Anyway, then she told me about a brother (7) and sister (4) in a Mexico City orphanage, who are doing very well behaviorally & developmentally, but who will likely be on the streets soon because the orphanage where they are living is going to close. The caretakers of these children are desperate to find a home for them, so there may be a possibility of greater financial assistance and/or other assistance with the process.

I've never felt led to consider Mexico before - not against it, but just didn't consider it - but when she told me about those kids possibly having to be on the streets, something inside me "woke up". I don't know if it's because I'm extra emotional these days just thinking about finally being a mom in the relatively near future, or if it was truly the Holy Spirit pricking my heart for these kids.

One thing that I DO know for sure... If God wants me to take these two into my heart & home, He's going to have a lot of work to do to prepare me, my home, my finances, my business, etc, etc, etc!!!!!! But to quote my pastor's wife, He is "the Miracle-Working, Mountain-Moving, Awe-Inspiring, Gasp-Giving God!!!" What I see as incredible OBSTACLES, He sees as OPPORTUNITIES to show His power, ability, sovereignty, and just overall AMAZINGNESS! (Is that even a word? Well, it is now... :-)

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine,

according to His power that is at work within us,

to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations,

for ever and ever! Amen."

(Ephesians 3:20)

One thing that we both thought of is that since her family will be in Mexico City for a year starting this summer (her husband will be working there for a year), I could have a place to stay with them, have help getting around, translation, etc... if/when I would have to travel there to pick up the kids. (There's also the prospect of her son having a few extra violin lessons with me too!)

At this point, I got a bit overwhelmed, feeling like we were getting the cart before the horse, and I suggested that she get additional info to me, and I have committed to pray a LOT about it!

Maybe it's that the Lord wants ME to be the mom to these little ones, but maybe He used this conversation to prompt me to "take up the banner" of prayer & bringing these kids to the attention of someone else who may be the one(s) to provide a family to them.

Will YOU pray with me?

Til next time...

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The First Step!

I submitted my adoption application today!

It's the first of many, MANY steps in a loooong process... but I'm SO EXCITED!

I've been picturing a little Uzbek girl in my head all day. I don't see her exact features, but in a way, my heart does see them. Does that sound weird? Maybe it is, but that's my reality right now!

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