That word more than describes my life over the last few weeks - months even.
On the up side, I'm finally completely out of the old house. No more mold & cold to envelop me 24/7! So happy to be out of there and settling into a house that "loves me back"! My dogs are even happier here at the new house. I think that our animals know when we are calm & settled, and it helps them to be more calm & settled too. Plus, they LOVE running like crazy out in their new fenced yard (a whole acre!).
I also moved my studio into the Smiley Building downtown, and had my first week of teaching there last week. Everybody - including yours truly! - LOVES it! It's a great space, with lots of sunlight, and it's SO convenient for everyone!
My Mom is here visiting for a couple of weeks, and we are having a great time just taking things easy. (It's Spring Break this week!)
So what do I have to persevere through?
I am in pain again. Both physically and emotionally.
PHYSICALLY... I have started to experience the beginnings of tendonitis again, for the first time in 15 years. This would be painful for anyone... but for a musician, it is especially painful because it affects our playing so much. Being intimately involved in the process of making music has been a part of my life for 33 of my almost 40 years. It is so much a part of my soul, sometimes like air to my lungs. And to be in such pain when I play, and to have it affect my sound and my intonation (ability to play in tune) quite negatively sometimes... well, it's truly painful in many ways. Back when I was in college & grad school, there were times when the pain was so intense that my teachers would require me to NOT play for a period of time - sometimes many weeks - and yet I still had to attend my classes, rehearsals, lessons, etc. Imagine being sidelined like that for weeks, and not being able to join in with the rest, not being able to do what you are there to do! That's what I'm afraid will happen again.
I have been going to a chiropractor for the last couple of months, and this is helping, and he has been giving me suggestions of how to deal with the pain. In some ways, it's like dealing with life in general. I want so much to prevent the pain from coming, but sometimes we can't do that. We have to learn how to manage the pain, persevering and learning to continue to live with grace through it.
EMOTIONALLY... I am about to turn 40. While many people would say that this is reason enough to be upset, I'm actually not dreading "The Big 4-0"! I have lived a lot of life in my almost 40 years - lots of wonderful experiences, but lots of trials as well. And I've learned a lot. I think that I have gained a lot of wisdom - sure, there's MUCH more to learn - and this may sound funny, but I've earned the right to be 40! :-) Do I ever wish that I were back in my 20's? Absolutely NOT! I made lots of stupid mistakes in my 20's... in my 30's too! I'm sure that I am not done making mistakes (who ever is?)... But I'm excited about continuing to grow and mature. And I do NOT want to go back and "be a kid again". In fact, I think it's more fun to be able to still be able to have those childlike moments (not childish) as we get older and hopefully more mature.
So what's troubling me?
The alone-ness.
Part of it is due to the fact that I'm still relatively new in this community. I only moved here a little over a year ago, and I know that it takes time to make friends and feel settled into a new life. And I do have a couple of friends that I really enjoy spending time with, and that I can "get deep" with. But we're still testing the waters with each other in a way, and I long to get to that point of freedom in friendship where you're no longer worried about what the other will think, but can just be free with each other.
And my even deeper longing... to have a HUSBAND, a PARTNER in life. I know many of you who are married are thinking something along the lines of "marriage isn't always all it's cracked up to be", or "a husband can't fill your needs like Jesus", or "you can't be free as a married woman like you can as a single woman", etc, etc, etc.
Well, I've been a "free, single woman" up to now, and it's not all it's cracked up to be either. God created us to have a mate, a partner, to be in pairs. He says "it is not good for a man to be alone"... guess what, that applies to women too! His Word says that "a woman's desire is for her husband"... that applies to the unmarried woman too!
All of those wonderful things that I mentioned above, plus many others in my life - the wonderful house, the awesome studio, my love of teaching my students, the physical & emotional pain of tendonitis, the fear of my dog (whom I have held since birth!) disappearing a couple of weeks ago and then the joy finding her again, the joy/anticipation/fear/etc of preparing to adopt - everything in life - I want to SHARE it with that one person who commits to be my partner "until death do us part". And I want to share HIS joys, struggles, successes, trials, failures, etc!
And since I'm not one to go to bars or anything like that, looking for "just anyone" who will do the job... And since I want a husband who loves the Lord... And since those men are much harder to find as one gets older...
I PERSEVERE.
I continue to pour my heart out to the Lord, sometimes with many tears, and wait expectantly for the day that He will hopefully grant my heart's desire.
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